I'm STILL not pregnant yet...

Hey Good People,

You all will probably remember the blog I wrote in May of 2019 entitled “I’m not pregnant yet but…” If you haven’t, I highly recommend that you stop here and go back and take a read.

This post is an honest and transparent update to that blog from over a year ago.

The thing that sticks out to me at this moment from my previous blog on this topic is this statement: “We’re healthy. I’m healthy and my husband is healthy.” At the time of writing that this was an accurate statement, so I thought. However, eight months after writing that statement I would find out that statement was not true.

In all honesty, when I released that blog, my husband and I had just begun our journey of actively trying to become pregnant. After a year of actively trying and negative pregnancy tests month after month, I made an appointment with my GYN doctor to see if there was something we should be concerned about. During my appointment she explained to us that we could be facing infertility and there could be or could not be an explanation as to why we are having an issue getting pregnant. She brought up the options of IVF and IUI. She also asked us to ponder the question of, is it more important to us to be parents or more important to us that I carry our baby. For those who don’t know, generally, for couples under the age of 35 without achieving a pregnancy success are usually diagnosed with infertility. My hope and my prayer was that infertility would not be a diagnosis we would have to face. In order to know for sure, my doctor recommended we do more digging.

In January, I had multiple doctors’ visits, lab tests, ultrasounds and even an HSG. For those who don’t know what an HSG is; Hysterosalpingography is the proper name and it is considered as an x-ray where iodine liquid is inserted through the cervix into the uterus to assess the fallopian tubes. If you want to know what it felt like; let’s just say it was more painful than I anticipated! I was hopeful by encouraging words that came from the radiologist and the ultrasound and lab techs during and after all my testing. I was even hopeful once I received all of my test results back via my MyChart app a few days later. Although hopeful, I didn’t understand everything so, if you know me then you know I started doing my research fervently which led to about five follow-up questions for my doctor. After receiving my messages my doctor told me and my husband to come in for an appointment to have my questions answered in person and go over my test results.

I will save you all from the minor details of the hour-long conversation we had in the doctor’s office that left my husband and I pretty stunned afterward. My test results showed that both my fallopian tubes are open, but they are also swollen. Both of them! Swollen fallopian tubes can cause infertility by causing obstruction so that the sperm and egg can never fertilize. And if an embryo is created, there is a very high risk of an ectopic pregnancy, where the embryo is stuck in the fallopian tube with no room to grow and could cause the tube to rupture which turns into a medical emergency and is life threatening. Scary stuff to hear when we had hope that things were ok! But that wasn’t all the negative news we would receive. My doctor then went to my blood test results and pointed out my AMH level (ovarian reserve level=number of eggs and egg quality). For a woman my age, my AMH should be no lower than 2.0. For women closer to 40, doctors prefer to see AMH levels at least at 1.0. My levels were at a 0.89. Talk about devastating!

My doctor tried to assure us that my results were not as devastating as they sounded. She looked me square in my eyes and said: “I made you come in the office so I could tell you to your face that it is not impossible for you to get pregnant, but it will be hard.” I could’ve crawled into a fetal position right then and there and bawled my eyes out. I was crushed. Here we are thinking we were ok only to find out we are 1 in 8 couples who suffer from infertility.

After that appointment, we made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility specialist in layman’s terms) to see what our options are. The fertility specialist saw the same results from my procedures in January, but she wasn’t convinced that my tubes were damaged. That was hopeful to hear. However, she was still concerned by my ovarian reserve level and recommended we look into IVF. IVF is EXPENSIVE ya’ll!! So, we left that appointment feeling even more defeated.

Now, if you’re wondering, Pat is healthy. We had his “spermies” checked and he’s all good! I was relieved for his result, I honestly was but in the moment it stung. It stung because it made it official that the problem was all on me. I as a woman maybe incapable of producing life naturally. The very thing that I’ve always thought I would have one day with no issue may not happen and it’s because of me. I told my husband, my therapist and some select friends that I felt broken. And now I’m telling you, I felt broken.

Some days, I still feel broken. Less of a woman. Inadequate on many levels. Faithless, hopeless, and I could go on… It has been a up and down battle for the past nine months emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Some days are good, and I feel hopeful that we will be blessed with a miracle and other days it feels like it will never happen. So much so, that I recently asked God to take the desire of motherhood away from me to not have to contend with the battle any longer. He hasn’t done that yet and I honestly don’t think He will.

If you follow me on Instagram and Twitter then you know that a few weeks ago, my husband announced that he started a podcast entitled the BeAbsxlute podcast. I had the honor of being the first guest on the show and we talk about a range of topics including our battle with infertility. In the episode, we share that we are looking into our options for adoption as I’m not sure that I want to do IVF right now. You can find the full episode anywhere you listen to your podcasts!

I know this blog was packed with a lot of information and I wanted it to be that way. I felt like it was important to lay this foundation for future blogs to come about this journey I’m on. Trust me, there has been much revelation to come through this time that I will share. For now, I encourage you by letting you know that I am still here, and God is still able. These are the two foundational things that I hold on to daily! I leave that with you to do the same. If you are here, then there is still opportunity for God to do something substantial in your situation.

More to come; in the meantime be content and remember that your portion has purpose.

With Love,

Tam