Flashlight

Hey Good People,

We’re getting straight to the point with this post. After receiving my diagnosis of infertility, I went through so many emotions. I had hopeless days and hopeful days. Days that I felt broken and days that I felt whole. I was encouraged and then immediately discouraged. I mean, I was a mess!  

If you follow me on social media, then you may know that I have been seeing a therapist for over a year now. The process of therapy has been such a game-changer for me. My therapist is amazing; she looks like me, she’s knowledgeable in her field and she loves Jesus! I’ll just say, I’m so grateful that I found her when I did because she is booked and busy now.  

In this post, I’m going to let you in on one of our sessions and for the sake of keeping my therapist to myself, I’m going to reference her as Dr. Jay. This particular session is one that I will never forget because God used Dr. Jay to present me with a revelation that adjusted my perspective and literally changed my life. 

Disclaimer: ya’ll buckle up because we’re going “there” but this is going to help some of us. ya’ll ready?? here we go! 

When I got my diagnosis, I was about 4 months into my therapy journey so, not too long but long enough to feel comfortable with my doctor. I had given her a heads up in my previous sessions that I was going for testing and we had processed some of my feelings on my thoughts if the results were favorable or if they were unfavorable. I appreciated this preparation process but most of me knew that there would be no issue and the results would be fine. Fast forward to the session after finding out about my fertility difficulty…  

Dr. Jay always greets me with a warm welcome but today she could tell I was upset so she got straight to the point and asked (as she always does); “What would you like to bring into the room today?” and I immediately began to cry. I couldn’t even get the words out without gasping for air through my tears. She let me have a moment and then said; “Put words to it if you can. Tell me how you feel.”

My response; “Broken. I feel broken.”

I went on to tell her about my test results, explained my AMH levels and what they meant, and stated that my medical doctors believe that I will have a difficult time getting pregnant naturally and have diagnosed me with infertility. I did all this between sobs, snot, and mumbled words. Dr. Jay acknowledged my statements and validated my ugly cry (and I do mean ugly!) with no judgement. She then asked me a question that began to shift our conversation, although I didn’t know it at the time.

She asked; “Can you tell me why you feel broken?”

I had to think about it for a few seconds and then this analogy came to me and I responded; “Dr. Jay, the best way I can explain it to you is this, I feel like a flashlight.” 

I’ll never forget her facial expression to my response which was followed by; “Tell me more!” So, I did.

You know when you go to the store to buy a flashlight, you’re usually preparing for something to take place in the future, right? You purchase the flashlight and maybe get some batteries to go along with it, take it home and put it away in a closet or drawer in the kitchen with the rest of the “in case of…” items. Then something happens; there’s a storm or a fluke with the power and the electricity goes out! You go and get the flashlight, pull it out and click the notch to turn it on only to find out… it doesn’t work. Although, you prepared for a future event and thought you had a plan in place you still end up sitting in the dark.

That’s how I felt. I did what I know God told me to do. I prepared myself by staying abstinent from sex before I got married. We married young, we are faithful to each, we listened to God’s instruction to stay on birth control, we work hard, we made sacrifices… I made sacrifices! Yet, I’m still sitting in the dark trying to figure out why my flashlight won’t work. Why didn’t I check to make sure it was operating properly before I left the store or as soon as I got home? Maybe I should have checked the batteries sooner?... Why did I even go on birth control, let alone stay on it for almost a decade? Maybe I should have gotten my blood levels tested sooner to see where my egg quality was well before now?

I ended my explanation with questions similar to the above and when Dr. Jay knew it was safe, she chimed in. 

“First, let me say, that was a great analogy! I mean, really??!” was her initial response.

We laughed and I patted myself on the back for a millisecond thinking that she was about to validate my thoughts and help me process this truth that I had drummed up in my head. I was not prepared for what she said next. It shook me to my core.

“I understand your connection to the analogy of the flashlight but there is a major difference between a flashlight and you. The flashlight only has one purpose. You, however, do not.”

When I tell you, I could have fallen on to the floor. Dr. Jay was still explaining her point, but I had to stop her mid-sentence and said; “SAY WHAT, NOW?” She chuckled. I told her that I was expecting her to agree with my analogy and let me sit in it, but she totally blew up my spot and popped my little bubble!

She went on to say, that although motherhood is a part of the purpose I hope to possess, it is not my only purpose. Then she began to affirm the other aspects of my purpose that are alive and well, my purpose as a wife, a friend, sister, daughter, creative, servant of my church and community, etc. Most importantly, God gave me purpose when He created me without having to produce or be anything to earn it.

You guys, I was floored! I couldn’t even cry over the revelation in that moment, I was literally in awe because I had not had this thought yet concerning my infertility. I mean mind blown! 

I was so wrapped up in the negative probability of an aspect of my purpose that I was missing the bigger picture. I am more than a future mother. I am whole and have purpose right here and now before the babies come. It’s crazy because, I was really in a place where I forgot my own words and encouragement that I had given to others. It took this very pivotal yet simple conversation with Dr. Jay for me to have true change of perspective.

Now this is not to say that I don’t still have my moments. It’s still hard, sometimes it’s extremely hard, walking out my infertility journey. Even after this revelation, I still had a moment where I asked God to take the desire of becoming a mother away from me because getting another negative pregnancy test was too painful to deal with. Nevertheless, I remember that my purpose is not completely tied to being a mother one day. My portion has purpose, even now!

To anyone, who feels like life’s disappointments have you sitting in the dark wondering why you didn’t check the batteries… Remember, that you are not a flashlight. You have more purpose on the inside of you that is greater than just one aspect that didn’t go as planned. There is depth and life inside of you! You are whole and you will see the other side of this.

Your portion has purpose, my friend, and it will soon be revealed. In the meantime, be encouraged and keep going. 

With Love,

Tam