I'm not pregnant yet, but...
Hey Good People,
I’m not pregnant yet but for as long as I can remember I have wanted to have children. Next to being a wife was being a mother. I always knew that motherhood would be a part of my existence at some point in life.
So, I made plan. I forget the my exact age at the time, but I do remember creating an outline of when I would get married and from there I listed the ages of when I would have my future five children (don’t judge me, lol). It went like this:
Age 22- Married
Age 23- Baby # 1
Age 25- Baby # 2
Age 27- Baby # 3
Age 29- Baby # 4
Age 30- reevaluate my life to decide if I want to push out one more kid
Age 32- Baby # 5 (if that’s what I decided at 30)
That was my outline, my plan. However, here I am at 30 and have never been pregnant the first time. Seems laughable looking at it outlined like this but this is what I wanted. These were my desires. Looking back at it, that is where I went wrong. I do not recall ever telling God my outline and asking Him if this is what He wanted for me. Instead, I strongly voiced my desires of wanting children and just expected Him to follow my plan. God was ever so gracious enough to grant my request of being married by 22. I was 21 years old when I married Pat, I turned 22 two months later, and in June of this year we will celebrate nine years of marriage. God is good.
Once we were married, I immediately began to make my requests known to my husband that I wanted a baby. He wasn’t ready; in fact, we weren’t ready and he saw that. However, I had a hard time accepting it. I wasn’t content and was unwilling to respect his decision to wait, let alone did I have any desire to actually find out what my husband wanted. This has been a point of contention for years in our marriage and just recently have I come to some sort of a resolve to just be content and wait. When I say recently, I actually mean within the last six months.
I’m sure to some of you this is a surprise. If I haven’t learned anything throughout my journey of being a married woman without children, I have learned that many people assume that if you don’t have children that something has to be wrong with your health. That is not always the case. It was not in our case. I’m healthy and my husband is healthy. When people realized this I often heard comments like:
“Oh, at least you’re not infertile. Don’t complain.”
“Girl, I thought something was ‘wrong’ with you?!”
“You’re wasting time. What are you waiting for?”
“Just stop taking your birth control and tell him it was an accident.”
I heard that last one more often then the rest. They all hurt the same though.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that infertility is real! I have members of my squad who are currently facing infertility so I am not down playing their truth. My heart aches for them daily and I’m in constant prayer that God will open up wombs and allow sperm and eggs to fertilize to produce healthy babies! I earnestly pray for them more than I pray for myself.
What I am saying is, my feelings of hurt because I don’t have children yet are still valid. My waiting on God’s timing can still be hard. The tears I have cried were still warm and soaked my pillow at night just like the next woman who is also waiting on her baby.
I struggled to even talk about my feelings with people because I felt they wouldn’t understand. I mean, “What do I have to complain about?” All I have to do is go behind my husband’s back and stop taking my contraceptives, right? Ugh, no. If I’m honest the thought to secretly stop taking my birth control did cross my mind. However, the conviction I felt majorly outweighed my desire to betray my husband in that way.
I remember attending a get-together with other wives who desired children and I purposefully did not tell my story until the host asked me to say something. I was the last one to speak. Every lady in that room had a medical condition or had experienced something related to their health that led to their difficulty to get pregnant. I felt the energy in the room change as I was telling my story, a couple of the ladies couldn’t even look at me anymore and I knew why. I didn’t go back to any of those gatherings. I didn’t feel worthy enough to attend.
I fought tears often when someone asked me “when are the babies coming?” or “what are ya’ll waiting for?” and then cried real tears when I explained where we were in life and watched their expression turn into disappointment vs. excitement or even empathy. Not many people cared that we were following God’s plan for our lives. It didn’t matter that we were trying to make ends meet after my husband had lost his job for the third time. It didn’t make sense to them that us deciding to get our businesses off the ground and save some money to help provide for future children was the priority at the time.
Side Note: Let’s stop doing that to husbands and wives. We have no idea what people are dealing with. Our questions that we think are innocent could lead to tears or even a huge argument later on between that married couple. Let them tell us when they are ready to have kids. I know we think we mean well but in my personal experience, it sucks to have to answer that question all of the time. Same goes with being bullies to our single friends on when they’re going to get married. If they knew, they’d tell us or maybe they won’t. When it comes to these private questions, I think we can all find a blessing in minding our own business.
But I digress, back to the blog.
It was a struggle for me. At times, I felt less than a woman because it felt like children is what made you a whole woman. I fought hard against the spirit of covetousness. My friends and family members started having babies and I wanted what they had. This didn’t happen often, but a few times I even faked my excitement for others who were expecting because I was so wrapped up in my feelings that I couldn’t be genuinely happy for them. I feel guilty saying that now but it’s my truth.
Currently, I’m in a good space with my waiting. I’ve had many talks with my husband and close squad members, and had a few “come to Jesus” moments to get to this resolve. I laid down my desire to please people, the desire to compete with everyone else and simply my desire to do what I wanted without God’s true guidance. I realize now that I am a whole woman, living out my current purpose, even if I do not have children yet.
God is so gracious and now I know that God’s timing is perfect. My current prayer has been that God prepare me for what I’ve been praying for and waiting on for all these years. I believe our babies will be here before we all know it. One scripture that has helped me to continue to walk in contentment in the past six months is James 1:2-4.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”- ESV.
I like the King James Version of this verse as it uses the word patience in place of steadfastness. So, “let “patience” have its perfect work.” My patience has been stretched but I’m hopeful that joy is here and joy will be to come.
I want you to be encouraged by the words of this verse as well. Whatever you might be waiting on or facing, be encouraged that it is stretching you into a place of joy. May not feel like it right now but keep the faith and hold on to all of God’s promises. Keep praying, stay focused on Him and seek contentment in every aspect of your current situation. God will never let you down.
To my future mothers who are waiting on God for your babies: Keep praying, sis. Don’t lose hope. Don’t lose faith. Seek out contentment from your Daddy-God in faith that your heart’s desire will be granted in His perfect timing. You are whole, happy and abundantly blessed as a woman even now. Go live out your purpose now while you can. It may become a little harder once the little ones come along! :-)
Count it all joy and always remember; your portion has purpose.
With Love,
Tam